You Know more About me now Than i thought you Would

The weekend is finally upon us.  Good.  Took long enough.

It's a long weekend, too.  I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. Let me tell you why (in a round-about sort of way):

I don't feel "tired" anymore.  I think it's because I'm tired all the time and so my body has gotten used to ignoring it.  (I had a doctor tell me once that my adrenal glands were so shot, they might as well be non-existent.  Not really sure how I keep going without my adrenal glands to back me up, but here I am)  The feeling "tired" is a trigger from your body letting you know it's time to sleep, recharge, to stop doing whatever it is you're doing because it's taxing your energy reserves.  But because I'm numb to that trigger, my body developed a new one.  Now when I need to sleep I feel overwhelmingly sad.  Depression is my new "tired."

Sometimes I cry a little, but rationally I know that my body is just telling me it's time to sleep and as soon as I wake up, I'll feel better.  So the crying is unnecessary.  And the thoughts that the Depression brings up are destructive so I try not to indulge them.  I just go to sleep and when I wake up it's all gone, and I'm fine, and ready to start a new day.  

Well, the Depression is gone when I wake up, but I'm still tired.  I'm always tired.  I don't know how I'd feel if I weren't tired.  It gnaws on the back of my brain until it mutates into sadness and I force myself to stop.  I don't remember life without tired.

What really troubles me about this is that I am so much stronger (physically, health-wise) than I was just a few years ago.  Especially compared to high school.  I've come such a long way compared to where I was in high school.  How can all that progress still leave me at less than "normal"?  Will I ever be "normal"?

Maybe I will.  But maybe not.  Probably not.  Worse things have happened to better people than me.  I shouldn't complain.

I can see a light at the end of my tunnel; I really have no cause to complain.  Summer is approaching and when it gets here, 60% of my stresses and worries will be gone. I'll rest and really recharge.

That's why I'm incredibly relieved that this will be a three-day weekend.  It's one more day to rest.