30 August 2010

end Of The saga

I'm going to write a quick post about my response to my idiot ex-boyfriend and that idiot message he sent me over idiot Facebook. Not that you really need to know anything in this post, but it feels wrong to start the story with you (see previous post) and then leave you hanging. So here's the (probably) ending:

He wrote me, I wrote him, he wrote me again, and I sent my last response...I tried to be patient and objective, but I got irritated and I think I was a little short with him. I may or may not have said something along the lines of
"...suffice it to say, our relationship was not a good one for me. What you did with my sister was stupid and thoughtless, but it was just one more horrendous event topping off a long and horrendous experience."
Too harsh? Maybe. And I do feel bad about that. I think he wrote to me out of complete sincerity, so it probably wasn't fair of me to respond in harsh terms. But his message was immature and revealed the full extent of his oblivious attitude towards anyone outside of himself, which was aggravating, and so I was short with him. In my defense, it wasn't as harsh as my original response to him (which I did not send, thankfully). Plus, this was not a hasty or rash message - I spent days and days composing this reply. This was the version that was as gentle as it was ever going to be.

Writing to him had some healing side-effects: I saw that most of what I was still bitter about had nothing to do with him; what I'm bitter about is me. My own insecurities, weaknesses, and the mistakes I made that I always believed I was too smart to make.
Those are things that I'll have to work out on my own, possibly for the rest of my life. There's nothing else to talk about with him, nothing left to solve or fix, and he'll never change from the self-centered lost boy I remember. So I wash my hands of it. I'm leaving it, and him, permanently behind.

(and if I ever happen to see him on campus, I promise to try really, really hard to not punch him in the face)

Interesting. I imagined it would feel more liberating than this.

19 August 2010

epic Post : Brace yourself

I just got an apology message from an old boyfriend over Facebook. We probably dated about two years ago (or, rather, we broke up about two years ago). We had dated for about 6 months. Things didn't end well. I'm not sure how to reply.

I know how I'd like to reply...but I'm not sure that would be best. Even after letting it sit for most of the week, mulling it over in my head, emotions are still confused.

I'd copy and paste the message here to get your input and unbiased opinions, if not for my pride. You see, out of about 30-40 words, I think he spelled two of them correctly. No pronouns are capitalized (including "I" - how the heck do you go through life NOT capitalizing "I"??) and it's pretty clear that he is clueless as to the purpose of a comma.
I dated an idiot. 
There. I said it. It's easier to confess it than to show you the evidence thereof and have you think less of me.

The gist of the message was that he is sorry for hurting me. It seems a little late for an apology but, he didn't really get to/take the opportunity to apologize all those years ago, especially considering the way things ended. So he's apologizing now. The "better late than never" theory.
Here's my problem with that:

What, exactly, is he sorry for? Is it for being completely self-absorbed - for constantly interrupting my stories to repeat things he'd already told me earlier that week (or day) or more stories about himself? Is he apologizing for not once, in six months, offering me a sincere compliment yet ogling at himself EVERY TIME we passed a mirror or window or some other relatively reflective surface? Is he apologizing for warping his bizarre insecurities in order to make me feel guilty? Is it for the times he criticized me for not being kind/affectionate/good enough in the relationship, while disregarding the fact that I have a chronic freaking illness to deal with (and believe me, when you have a chronic illness, self-deprecation for not being "good enough" comes standard; I definitely do not need someone else to remind me of all I lack) in moments when what I needed most was support? Not to mention that when I did give more kindness/affection/consideration to him, he never (never) reciprocated anything back to me. I gave and gave while he simply took and took, and then took some more. I can't adequately describe to you how drained I became, emotionally and physically, from pouring my time, energy, and self out to him. All I got in return was disappointment, discouragement, and frustration.

Please understand: he was not mean. These were all covert flaws inherent in his character that took me months to recognize. When put together in a paragraph, it's somewhat bewildering to think that it took me so long to see what a terrible relationship I was in.

You may be wondering, how can someone not be "mean" and yet still do all these things? The answer: he was clueless, inconsiderate, insensitive, and completely out of his depth. He had no idea how to relate to another person, how to connect with them, or how to support them. He didn't know how to be in a relationship. He was still living as a child, where everyone around him catered to his every need. It made him selfish. Not in a cruel way, but rather like a child who honestly doesn't know any better. He consistently disappointed me when I depended on him. He took our relationship for granted. He took me for granted.

It's been over two years since we broke up. I'm happily married now to a man who sees and understands my needs and strives to meet them. He loves me despite my illness, despite my short-comings, despite my inability to be all that I want to be...he loves me unconditionally. I couldn't ask for more.
Despite the wholesome and healthy place I find myself in now, and how far I've come since then, I still look back on that past relationship with bitterness. I can't get over it. I'm angry at myself for letting the relationship go on for so long and for being blind to what a moron he was/is. I feel like an idiot.

I hate feeling like an idiot.

In his message he said that I "was one of his greatest friends" and yet I feel that he was one of my worst. He also said that he's "hopefully learning from [his] mistakes" which sounds great, but I really don't think he knows what those mistakes were. You can't learn from what you can't recognize. Judging from his message (which is not the greatest of indicators as he is a really terrible writer, let's be honest) it doesn't seem like he's changed at all. Maybe I should tell him what he's apologizing for, what he should be apologizing for, so that he can actually learn something from the past. That way we could both get some closure.

Then again, maybe it would be more noble to just brush it off. Perhaps it would be better for both of us if I told him, "Oh it's alright, don't even worry about it. It was so long ago...apology accepted!" and go on trying to forget it ever happened. It could be more hurtful to dig up the past than helpful. As much as I dislike him, I think his apology message was meant in sincerity. It would be wrong to willfully hurt him in reply. And, as long as we're being honest, my primary reason for bringing up the past would be to hurt him.

Gawsh, I'm so petty.

However, that would not be my only reason for bringing up the past. It's pretty clear that I have not had closure in this; I honestly feel that in order for me to get closure, I need him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong. I don't mean a general apology. I need him to acknowledge and apologize for specifics. I'm sure he needs the same apology from me - why else would he write to me? It took us a long time but, I think we're both at a point where we could discuss the past and both get the closure we need. It'll be a hard conversation to have, no doubt, and I don't see it ending in warm fuzzies and hugs, but at least it will finally be done.

Well, I'd say the objective of this post has been reached: I got that out of my system and I feel I've come to an objective viewpoint. Emotions are straightened out, and I no longer feel the tug of petty revenge - this is about closure. It's about healing old scars of two people in order to move on to a healthier future. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to compose my reply.

If any of you have any advice on how I might go about starting that, I'm certainly open to suggestions...

11 August 2010

*grumble grumble*

I feel lethargic today and a little bit sick. Not sure what's going on.
Somehow I hurt my calf - pulled a tendon or something - and it hurts whenever I move. The pain is making me cranky and irritable.
It's hard to not be cranky and irritable when I'm in pain. I can't focus, and I'm thoroughly and honestly shocked that other people can be so calm about it. Of course I'm getting impatient with you: you're not offering to do everything for me while I sit on the couch and nurse my leg! And why aren't you bringing me the pain medication that I never verbally requested but am obviously in need of?? Honestly! People, work with me here!!
I'll just clench my jaw and keep reminding myself to be patient. I don't have the right to snap at people, even when I feel like they deserve it; I've just got to have more patience. I'll get my own Tylenol. No, no, don't get up. I can limp over to the cupboard all by myself. Don't even worry about it.

I need sunshine. I should go for a walk tomorrow morning. That would be good. It'll help my leg to move around a little, keep from getting stiff, and the sunshine/vitamin D/melatonin will significanly boost my mood.

Why can't it be tomorrow morning now?

Cry, cry, weep, wail and sob.