16 February 2011

my Inability To answer Simple questions

I had a job interview yesterday/two days ago/who cares. It went something like this:

"So now you know a little bit more about me, let's talk a little bit more about you. Tell me about yourself."

I slept for eleven hours last night and I've only felt like half of myself today. I've been on the verge of tears for the last two hours and all I really want to do is go to bed right now.
"I don't really know what to say..."

"Tell me about your family."

My mother and sister are also chronically ill. Yet here we are, trying to function in the "real" world with the rest of you.
"I have three younger sisters. I also have a cousin that lives nearby, practically grew up with us, I consider him to be more of a brother..."

"How would your friends describe you?"

Friends? Do I still have friends? The friends I used to have in school, but then I dropped out with little or no word of explanation to them. How would they describe that? I don't know how they would describe me now. I can't remember how they would have described me two weeks ago.
"Um...I'm not really sure. Easy-going...dedicated, pretty motivated to get things done. Easy to talk to...I guess."

"Our office can be really fast-paced, and even when there's down-time, I want an employee who will find things to do. Use the down-time to catch up on things you couldn't when it was hectic. It's about time-management. How does that sound to you?"

It sounds excellent, it really does. But I can't manage my time right now because I'm moving through sludge. Time holds less and less meaning for me as I am now. What's an hour? What's a day?
"That sounds great. [half-hearted nod] Really."

So that was my interview...I didn't hold much hope for getting that job anyway.

My system has taken a shock, a jolt, and it's taken away my ability to answer simple questions. I feel like my Personal Reality has fallen out of sync with Reality in General. For example: just this afternoon I ran into an old acquaintance, let's call her Alice, and our conversation went something like this:

I'll just sit on this bench while I wait, I don't think this girl will mind. Why does this girl look surprised to see me? Oh, it's Alice. Alice Dalton. I just took her off my Facebook friends list last week. Weird coincidence.
"Oh I know you. Alice, right?"

"Yeah...wow, I haven't seen you since your wedding reception. How long ago was that?"

"A year and a half."


Oh goody, the awkward silence. She's looking at me...I should say something.
"So you're still here? At the school, I mean."

"Yeah, I should graduate in December."

"Oh wonderful."

"What about you? What have you been up to?"

Should I tell her I recently dropped most of my classes? Should I explain my reason for needing to drop most of my classes? Should I tell her that my only thoughts right now are balanced between wondering if I'm going to start crying unexpectedly and desperately wanting to go back to bed?
"I'm fine."

"Oh. ...good."

Awkward silence again. Alice, just go back to reading your book and we'll end this conversation. No good, she's still looking at me and nodding, like I'm supposed to say something. ...I'll ask about John.
"What about your husband, what was his name again?"


Knew it.
"Right! Right, John. What's he up to?"

"Well, right now he's..."

Yes, yes, keep talking about John. This way the minutes will pass and all I have to do is smile and nod. It is infinitely easier to feign normality this way than when I try to talk about myself.

"...well here's my bus. It would be so fun to get together some time. We're still friends on Facebook, so..."

No we're not.
"Oh, yeah."

"Yeah. So maybe I'll contact you on there or something. Nice seeing you again."

"You, too. Bye."

><>names were changed in this re-telling, so don't Google "alice dalton" cuz she doesn't exist. well, no, alice dalton might exist, but she's not the girl in this story.<><

It's been a long time since the thoughts in my head were so separated from what people expect to hear. It's disconcerting in the moment, but somewhat amusing in retrospect. Like a low-budget independent film.

I'm going to Google Alice Dalton now and see what comes up.

09 February 2011

...where'd The title for This post Go?

So, now that I only have one class to worry about, I have a lot more time to relax, rejuvenate, and feel like a human being again.

I played Risk this afternoon with some family (a cousin, sister, and brother-in-law). I haven't been able to do anything like that (unscheduled, unplanned) since a time immemorial.

The primal sounds of battle could be heard amidst the cries of anguish, victory, and raucous laughter. I would like to share some of these with you:

Sounds of Battle:
(sounds within asterisks (*) denote sound-effects; use your imagination)

  • Grawr!
  • *gobble gobble*
  • *gurgling*
  • *wookie moan*
  • Ker-chow!
  • You stupid DICE!!

("ker-chow" is my personal favorite. its context (in a super-cute innocent girl's voice): "I'm attacking you! Ker-chow!!")

The dice gave me snake eyes every time I tried to defend myself. Snake eyes, really? Gosh dang stupid monkey-lover dice...

07 February 2011

some Cryptic statements And A burst of Nostalgia

A lot has happened recently. Some fairly big, life-changing things. Less than two minutes ago, in fact, I changed the course of my future.

I'm still not fully registering the impact of what's happened. I feel that I ought to be concerned, or at least a little more wary of the situation. Instead, all I feel is


I don't think I can say more about it right now. Right here. It should sit for a bit, let it ruminate, and perhaps more details will be forthcoming in the near future.

Until then, I bring you this excerpt I found in my journal. I think I always intended for this little story to be on the blog, I had just forgotten about it until recently.


My husband and I were in Sam's today, purchasing our items as we have several times before. The woman behind the register was talking about a Premium Membership Card and savings, and other words that ran into each other (but didn't necessarily belong next to each other) and I couldn't pay attention. I was distracted.

There was a pixie behind us.

A lithe nymph with long gold hair of gossamer quality. A tiny voice and big, curious eyes. She twittered and flitted and spun, she danced back and forth across the dismal concrete floor. Her clothes hung loosely from her shoulders, ill-fitting yet perfectly appropriate. I couldn't help but be charmed by her presence.

She was utterly oblivious to me; I found that to be quite alright.

The woman was still going on about savings and percentages, and something about a green sign...I kept peering over my shoulder at our pixie friend.

She had a magical quality that I remember having, once upon a time. A quality that I miss.

(Her mother soon ushered her to the exit, their shopping done, apparently unaware of the magic.)

01 February 2011

my Consciousness Is not intersecting With Reality

I used to be motivated by the desire to be an illustrator. Now I'm motivated by the memory of the desire to be an illustrator. I think the desire is still there...somewhere...I'm just way too tired right now to delve for it.

I would say that I'm "desperately tired" right now, but I've actually been desperately tired before, and this ain't it.

Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say "obnoxiously tired." Yes, that's accurate.

I can't think of anything particularly witty to write about (though I'm sure there are many things - every moment of life holds some potential for amusement) so I think I will share with you instead things that other people have said.

Quotes from Teachers:

"My whole life is a field trip."

"I'm not a gambler. But one night I was bored..."

"My book reminds me of Darth Vader in lingerie."

"Science is not doing enough for barren men."

Quotes from Students:

Her: "What do I have in my hair?"
Me: "A pencil."
Her: "Just a pencil?"
Me: "Yep."
Her "...I think I may have lost a pen."

End of Quotes

I know my friends have said several other clever, humorous, and bemusing things, but in my obnoxiously tired state I am unable to recall any of it. And I didn't write it down.

Drat. Foiled again.