29 June 2010

bits And Bobs and Tiddlywinks

So my 18 year old sister is going to get married.


First they said they would get married in December. Go through one semester of college together, take their time, no rush. Then they moved it up to August. I freaked out about that on the inside a little..a lot....still am.

She announced this morning, via text message, that they will be eloping on July 8th.

Do I need to say more? I feel like I should say more, but the words are futile. All my grand, saved-up words have won me naught in regards to this battle. The silence speaks volumes more.

Suffice it to say:

I'm kind of not digging life right now, thanks.

23 June 2010

can't Help But feel that I should Be asleep

It's midnight. And I have things to do in the morning.

Make Me Go To Bed!

On a totally different yet somewhat related note: grief and loneliness are strange emotions. Deceptively easy to define; it doesn't make them predictable.

On second thought, I'd rather not contemplate them at all. To do so would be to admit that I have fallen victim, easy prey, to their harsh blows and razor swipes. To do that would be do admit that I'm...human. (perish the thought!)

Even after trying so hard, and for so long, to be super-human. I'm too smart for emotions. I know exactly what's going on - it's a natural, albeit unreasonable, chemical reaction that will soon pass. Knowledge is power, but it doesn't take away all pain.

I'm rambling.

It feels good to ramble.

It would feel better to be asleep.

Fare thee well, fellow interweb wanderers. Maybe you'll get lucky and next time I'll tell you an actual story. Or perchance we could delve deeper into the realms of grief and loneliness.

I'm reading Arabian Nights: Tales from 1,001 Nights and it's affecting my...uh...crap! What's the word I'm looking for? ...my patterns of speech? Or writing?
And there's my cue to go to bed.

15 June 2010

new Layout...But don't get Comfy

Blogger's all excited about this new "Template Designer" link (it's New!!) and so I gave it a shot.
They give you a lot more freedom now, but still not nearly as much as I'd like to have.

I like this dark red thing goin' on. It suits me for right now. Just to warn you though, don't get too attached, because I find that I'm already missing the brown. Stay tuned...

On a much more personal note: I'm feeling some discomfort in my bowels right now. TMI?

Moving on....

Today is my day off from work (w00t) and I'm just not sure what to do with it. I was going to do something responsible, like clean my bathroom or wash dishes, but upon further reflection I decided against it. I could visit the library, now that my To-Read list has been revamped. I'd also like to wander some gaming shops and see if I can find any cheap/used/both games for my Gamecube. I have some extra money and I'm feeling reckless today (which means i will be heaped upon with regret and guilt by tonight). Or I could do something really wild and crazy - I could draw!

*jaw drop*

I know. So unexpected.

I had intended for this summer break to be the ultimate opportunity for me to grow and develop in my artistic abilities. This was to be a time for experimentation, with no limitations. A time of endless creation and discovery.
Here's what I have found:
I'm completely lost and unmotivated without some kind of organized assignment.


I used to be able to find inspiration for all kinds of drawings from my imagination. And I still could. But it's a small and rather limited well to draw from. (double meaning guys: "draw" as in, drawing water from a well, or drawing on paper with pencil. woah...i'm so deep *sarcasm*) I progress at a much faster rate with some sort of teacher to guide my efforts. Which...I suppose, if you think about it...is a teacher's purpose.

Now that the "As I Fall Asleep..." picture is done, I have nothing waiting for me to be worked on, to be polished, to be finished. I just have piles of paper and conte crayons and charcoal and pencils, all of it, waiting for me to start something.

I'm gonna have to just start something. Doesn't matter what. If it sucks, if it's awesome, it doesn't matter. I'm not creating it to sell it or to show it off to people or even to gloat over it in my own private sphere. It's a learning process. That's the purpose. To try, to fail, to learn, to succeed.

Kind of like Life.

...so deep, guys. You don't even know....

10 June 2010

sweating Myself Into A state Of ennui

The A/C isn't working in my apartment. It was working on Friday, but then I turned it off on Saturday and just opened some windows. It hasn't blown cold air since I turned it on again on Sunday (i never should have turned it off. serves me right for trying to be thrifty, save energy, and help the planet - won't make that mistake again). I can hear it blowing, but the air coming out is not nearly cold enough to make any difference in the temperature of the apartment.

I complained to management. Apparently a lot of units are having the same problem. They said they'd work on it. I visited my family for a couple of days, thinking that when I got back the A/C would be fixed.
So now I'm sitting here in my skivvies (that is a funny word. almost as funny as "flibbertigibbet" or "tomfoolery") thinking about excuses I have to wander throughout various air conditioned buildings around town rather than sit and sweat in my living room. Except the heat is making me drowsy, so I'm going to have to make my move soon before my motivation to get dressed slips away into lethargy.

I've been staring at this screen for half an hour now, just repeating the same thoughts to myself in different phrases and patterns. I'd love to go back to my bed and read. But there are things to do, and air conditioned environments I could be in. Just gotta get myself there.

A cold shower will wake me up. I'll just start at a cold shower and move on from there.

05 June 2010

this Is how i Choose To spend my Saturday

Hubby left for Scout Camp today.

*sad mope*

I said goodbye to him this morning before I left for work. He was still in bed and sleepy, nonetheless it was a sweet goodbye. It's just been in this last week that I have fully realized how much I'm going to miss him while he's gone.

We said goodbye, and then I left for work. All this time I had imagined that he would be the one leaving me, and this morning it was just the opposite. It felt strange.

I'm working a 14 hour shift today. Normally I would only work 7 hours on a Saturday. However, I would rather be making money today than moping around an empty apartment for hours on end.

If I were at the apartment I'd have to deal with his absence. And the dishes.

I really don't feel like doing dishes.