I'm not sleeping because I'm trying to remember the last time I had fun.
Last week I visited family - we played board games, teased each other, saw Guardians of the Galaxy, talked a lot and laughed a lot more.
That was fun.
But I don't think that counts.
That was outside of my normal life - a special exception to my usual routine. When was the last time I had fun in my routine?
I fear I may have forgotten how to have fun.
I fear I may have never known at all.
There was a significant reduction of fun in my life 2 years and 9 months ago. But before that....
I had three years of being relaxed and happy, but how much fun was there? And even before that...
Single, moving around the state, going to college...always so serious, long to-do lists, plans and appointments. Was I having fun? Why can't I remember?
The daily grind is always a pain, but I really think I could get a small measure of respite if I could alleviate this boredom.
All day long - the chores, the children's shows, the nursery rhymes and baby games, naptime, mealtime, bathtime - it's monotonous. lonely. and boring.
Maybe my circumstances are not to blame at all. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's always been me.
I'm the source of the boredom, the lethargy, the mediocrity. I'm the problem.
I would gladly revert back to my old fun-loving self, but I don't know if she ever existed at all... I can't remember her.
Now I'm faced with two choices: accept that I'm broken, having never known how to have fun OR accept that I should not ponder these things after midnight as that hour tends to be riddled with self-doubt and discontent.
I know what you're thinking, and you're probably right.