writing A blog post Instead Of showering...I Regret nothing

We had a family party last night, kind of a late-Christmas-early-New-Year's thing, with my husband's family. One of his aunt's has a baby girl about 18 months old (adorable baby) and said baby has a slew of health problems (so sad) like low muscle tone, extremely low weight gain, reflux, and more.

Naturally, this woman is a concerned parent. She is stressed. And she is a good soul who wishes to spare others the same stresses and concerns that she has.

So, of course, when she's holding my baby, these are her thoughts: is this baby too small for her age? Is she gaining weight at a normal rate? Does she spit up more than usual? Maybe it's acid reflux! That's why she's so small! Tell the mother! Tell the mother!!

(most people, when holding my baby, have thoughts more akin to this: oh my goodness, this baby girl is so adorable! Look at those eyes. Maybe I can get her to smile for me! Smile, baby girl! Smile for me!!)

I understand her concern comes from a good place so I don't take too much of it to heart. But she has this knack for taking small, normal things that could be, possibly, very very small concerns...
...and turns them into life-or-death diganoses that keep me awake at night.

(confession: I exaggerate. Often. I actually slept remarkably well last night.)

I was worried that my baby doesn't show much interest in standing or holding her head up when she's on her tummy. So of course this aunt tells me it's probably an issue with "Floppy Baby Syndrome" because she's so small because I'm not breastfeeding her efficiently, etcetera, etcetera...

So I did my research, cuz that's how I do, and apparently a four month baby not liking tummy time is really common for American babies. Some think it's because we have a phobia of letting our babies sleep on their stomachs (though some report that SIDS is reduced by 30% because of this practice...it's debatable...I still only put her to sleep on her back...I'm a conformist...). Either way, from the articles I've read and the observations I've made, I feel confident when I say:

My baby is normal.

I'm sincerely, genuinely sorry for the problems your baby may be having and the emotional turmoil it is putting you through. I sincerely appreciate your concern for my baby and for me as a first-time mom.
But please relax. You're freakin' me out.

My baby is fine. Developing at her own pace, a different pace from your kids, yes, but she's still perfectly normal.

Oh yeah, And merry Christmas

I'm not sure where all of my time goes.

Taking care of a baby certainly takes up a lot of it. And then there's the mundane stuff: showering, eating, dressing, undressing, driving to and from places... But where did the rest of my time go? The time I used to have to draw? To read? To blog?

Oh yeah.

CFS.

Well....

Well, that's a bummer.

Gads, I'm tired.

parenthood. Argh.

So I haven't written in a while.
Maybe you've noticed...

I went to a mommy's group last week. A baby playdate of sorts. I only knew one person there, the other moms were new to me, so I was a little anxious. Definitely outside of my comfort zone. Then I started watching their babies, two and three weeks younger than mine, already holding their heads up and standing on their mother's laps and reaching for toys.

My sweet baby girl, at 3 1/2 months, isn't doing any of that.
:(
And according to all the literature I can find, I shouldn't even be expecting her to do any of that, yet.

I know each baby develops differently and at their own pace and that you really, really, really shouldn't compare your baby's progress to another's...but I still left the house feeling incompetent as a mother.

I'm still terrified that I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I haven't socialized her enough. I haven't given her tummy-time often enough. I didn't start reading books to her early enough. We don't listen to music often enough. Not. Not. Not. Enough. Enough. Enough.

I was also distraught that she used to sleep 5-6 hours a night (sometimes even 7!) but she mysteriously stopped sometime last week. We're back to 2 hour stretches.

No bueno.
No me gusta.

But then I read a blog by a woman (who also has CFS, so I'm doubly sympathetic for her) with a six month old daughter who still wakes up every 1.5 hours in the night. And that's just insane.

It made me realize that what I have is not so bad. And that I probably just happened to be in a group of babies that are outrageously ahead of the curve. And that my baby girl is healthy and happy and progressing at a fine pace. I shouldn't worry so much.

It's just hard not to, you know?

And that's why I haven't written in a while. I've been too busy worrying and napping and worrying some more. I'm getting over it though. Which means: more blog posts for you!
(you so lucky)