Stressed? me? says Who!

In Pilates today (well, sort of today...it was today when i wrote the post...) we started with a warm-up, did some awesome exercises to strengthen our arms with resistance rings and then, just when I was getting pumped up for a great work-out, she turned off the lights and said, "Now we're going to learn the importance of relaxation."

What?

So we all laid down, closed our eyes, put our arms out, and started breathing. She walked us through the inhalations and exhalations and clearing your brain.

But I finally got my brain to hold all the information it needs to hold! I've finally got the to-do list in order, just the way I want it! Now is not the time to CLEAR it!!

She said to be aware of your pulse, your heartbeat. Feel the tingle in your fingertips? That's your pulse; that's the circulation.

Really? I've always associated that feeling with my hand falling asleep from lack of circulation.

Let the air wash over you and cleanse your body.

The tingling has spread to my hands. My fingers are starting to curl. The last time this happened I was donating blood and almost passed out. ...should I be worried?

Now imagine you're walking through a forest, a dense forest....

I can't focus on your little forest right now, I'm preoccupied with trying to get blood back into my fingers!

(at this point I started fidgeting with my hands, trying to improve the circulation, which was completely defeating the purpose of the 'relaxation/meditation' exercise)

As you walk through the forest you see a stream...so clear and pure and clean....

I can't focus on this. I want to get up and move my arms around so I can get life back into my fingertips.

Feel the strength and solidarity of Nature all around you....

Nature? Really? That's where we're goin' with this? If you really wanted me to relax you'd start describing my bed.

(From there my mind wandered to sleeping in,  warm sunlight coming in through my window, bringing out my sketchbook to doodle, drawing for Tawni so I can get the homework assignment done, but before that I should go back to the computer lab to finish projects for Jim, did I do the reading for Anthropology? I don't think I did the reading for Anthropology...holy crap, is she still talking about that stream? I've got stuff to do, I don't have time to lie here in the dark all day!)

So much for "relaxing" right?

woulda-coulda-shoulda

A classmate/acquaintance/could-be-friend invited me after class today to take part in "Free Pie Day" with her and another friend.  Apparently Village Inn, every Wednesday, will give you a free slice of pie if you purchase a single item on their menu.  Pretty cool.

(that was a pretty cute plug for village inn, wasn't it? i'm going to tell them they owe me a piece of pie for that)

I said "No thanks, not tonight, but we'll definitely do it next Wednesday."  I had things to do tonight; plans, last-minute homework assignments and errands...busy woman, right here.

I got rear-ended on my way home from school.

And as I stood there in the rain with the fellow who drove into my back bumper, waiting in awkward silence for a city officer to show up, I thought to myself,

"I could be having pie right now."

*sad head droop*

An account From The trenches

Day 2 of Week 7

The days have become insufferably long.  Rations are low today. I need to go grocery shopping. Hopefully there's enough in my pack to get me through my twelve hours of exile.  Only nine hours to go now. Unless something happens. The evenings are always unpredictable.

I have no want for water. At least there's that. But morale is low. The students are tired, the teachers are restless. There's an uneasy tension building.

Midterms are coming.

It's too late to turn back. I have to go forward. To the bitter end.

Or, at least, until I get to go home and back to bed.

cue The head-To-Desk *thud*

The copier at work keeps jamming and it's confusing our elderly staff and the not-quite-so technology savvy folks. Not surprisingly, these two groups are comprised of the exact same people.

Not my point.

The tricky thing about this new phenomenon is that the copier is not actually jamming, it only thinks it's jammed.  And we discovered the reason for this: the paper (in the paper drawer) was stacked well beyond the yellow line saying, "Do Not Stack Beyond This Point."  The sensors in the copier were triggered by the exceeding height and so signaled that there was a paper jam.

Blockhead is the one who re-stocks the paper in the copier, and I've seen him put in copious amounts before, but didn't say anything because he always stayed below the yellow warning line.  Obviously it's gotten out of hand, so I approached him on the subject today:

"By the way, the copier keeps jamming because the paper is too full.  I think it's triggering the sensors, so we need to keep it well below this yellow line.  See?  Okay."

His response: "Yeah, sure. And also, we need to get this looked at by Facilities or somethin' because the toner is leakin'."

I just gave him a blank stare.  First of all: it's not leaking.  He replaced the toner for the first time yesterday and it got all over the place, but that's what toner does. It's not "leaking."  Secondly: why are you telling me about repairs that the copier may (or may not) need?  I'm not in charge of that sort of thing AND YOU KNOW THAT.  I can't DO anything about that.  I have NO authority to call for maintenance, nor would I know who to call.  The person you want to talk to about that is right there (finger point) in the other room.

I think I said something like, "Okay...well, in the future, let's not fill that drawer clear up to the top, okay? I think that'll solve our jamming problem."

Blockhead: "Right, right. How long have we had this copier anyway?  You know how many departments have been usin' it, don't you? (and then he listed off all the departments, including some made-up ones)  No wonder it gets so much use, huh? Yeah, this old machine, it gets used a whole lot."

I think we're having a communication problem at this point.  I didn't want to have a polite conversation about our office copier.  I wanted to bring to your attention a behavior of yours, which I have repeatedly witnessed, that was causing problems in hopes that you would acquiesce to stop repeating said behavior.  Once we got past that point, I had imagined that our conversation would be over.  The things that you're saying make no sense to me; they have nothing to do with the original reason for our brief verbal exchange.

I'm sorry I confused you.  I will try to more thoroughly clarify my intentions next time.

anti-Depressants (can) = Hilarity

My Sociology teacher was going to show us a song (an awesome song, apparently) in class, but there were technical difficulties (our school's impossible electronics system coupled with her emotionally deranged laptop did not make for a pretty combination) and so, sadly, we were not able to watch the clip.

She told us to search for it on youtube if we ever got a chance.  It's a love song, written by a man, to his Fluoxetine (Prozac).  I think it sounds very promising.

So I went to Google, and then I went to Youtube, and then I tried Bing.  Nothing.  I can't find it.  And I am most distressed. (just for clarification, Bing came closer to actual results than either of the first two. that's a pretty nifty search engine right there)

Does anyone know about the Fluoxetine Love Song?  Does it actually exist?  If so, how can I access it, so that I may share in its joyful absurdity and so enrich my life?

I await your comments with eager anticipation.

some Guy Tried to write in L33T by Hand. L@M3.

The three-day weekend was exactly what I needed.  Yay for Presidents.

Right now I'm dreading my next class and wishing there was something I could do to better prepare for it, but you know what?  I think I'm okay not giving it 110% this one time.  My inner-perfectionist is getting really antsy about it, but I think I'm okay walking in with only 90% to give.  That's still passing.

I'm going to eat my lunch now.  Chicken noodle soup (homemade). \/\/oOT

('T's in L33T, really, what do you do?  +? \/\/00+? can you read that?)

You Know more About me now Than i thought you Would

The weekend is finally upon us.  Good.  Took long enough.

It's a long weekend, too.  I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. Let me tell you why (in a round-about sort of way):

I don't feel "tired" anymore.  I think it's because I'm tired all the time and so my body has gotten used to ignoring it.  (I had a doctor tell me once that my adrenal glands were so shot, they might as well be non-existent.  Not really sure how I keep going without my adrenal glands to back me up, but here I am)  The feeling "tired" is a trigger from your body letting you know it's time to sleep, recharge, to stop doing whatever it is you're doing because it's taxing your energy reserves.  But because I'm numb to that trigger, my body developed a new one.  Now when I need to sleep I feel overwhelmingly sad.  Depression is my new "tired."

Sometimes I cry a little, but rationally I know that my body is just telling me it's time to sleep and as soon as I wake up, I'll feel better.  So the crying is unnecessary.  And the thoughts that the Depression brings up are destructive so I try not to indulge them.  I just go to sleep and when I wake up it's all gone, and I'm fine, and ready to start a new day.  

Well, the Depression is gone when I wake up, but I'm still tired.  I'm always tired.  I don't know how I'd feel if I weren't tired.  It gnaws on the back of my brain until it mutates into sadness and I force myself to stop.  I don't remember life without tired.

What really troubles me about this is that I am so much stronger (physically, health-wise) than I was just a few years ago.  Especially compared to high school.  I've come such a long way compared to where I was in high school.  How can all that progress still leave me at less than "normal"?  Will I ever be "normal"?

Maybe I will.  But maybe not.  Probably not.  Worse things have happened to better people than me.  I shouldn't complain.

I can see a light at the end of my tunnel; I really have no cause to complain.  Summer is approaching and when it gets here, 60% of my stresses and worries will be gone. I'll rest and really recharge.

That's why I'm incredibly relieved that this will be a three-day weekend.  It's one more day to rest.

that Was A close One

I came to work this morning, plopped down at my desk, and went to turn on the computer...but first I noticed:

The speakers were still on, and the volume knob was turned ALL THE WAY UP.

What kind of a jerk turns the computer off but leaves the volume on?  The next person to boot the computer is going to be blasted away by the "Windows-starting-up notes" (you know that tune; the one the computer plays to tell you its awake?) because the volume has been cranked up.

I hate being blasted away by the starting-up notes.

Who did this? Who's responsible? Who was the last person on this computer??

Can you guess?

It was blockhead.

Curses! I haven't even seen him today and I'm already mildly irritated with him.

*grumble grumble growl growl*

is "pink Think" Making Me paranoid?

There are two girls in my Pilates class that--

You're taking a Pilates class?  Ooh, that's interesting.

That's not the point.  Like I was saying, these two girls--

What kind of stuff have you done so far in your class?

Focus! I talk to these two girls before class starts. At first it was cool. They seemed normal, down-to-earth, regular people.

Unlike the other people in your class, huh?

Exactly. Now stop that. Back to these two girls...
I thought we had things in common. Two of us are studying art and we've all been married less than a year. But then it became apparent that the girl studying art is only studying art because it's a nice thing to do. By this I mean, she has no interest in mingling with other artists at shows or galleries, or even improving her skills as a professional. Her husband is a lawyer and so, as would be naturally assumed in Utah Valley, she'll never have to work. So, she studies art because it's nice and she won't have to think hard about icky things like math or science or history.

Well, there go all the great conversations I thought we could have about Braque vs. Picasso and the current show at the University's Art Museum. All this information in my head and no one to talk to about it. Cryin' shame.

That's not even the worst part.

What's the worst part?

I'll tell you. And stop that. The worst part is when they start talking about their husbands. All of the sudden they go from being unique and engaging individuals to conformist-Utah-Valley-Mormon "wives."

Freaks. Me. Out.

I live in Utah Valley. I'm Mormon. I'm a wife. You'd think I'd be able to relate. But something bigger, more sinister, happens to these girls when they go into "wife-mode" that I can't understand at all. They start chatting about cooking and cleaning and house-keeping and sewing and their husband's interests. Did you catch that? Their husband's interests. Not their own. (maybe they have no interests outside of house-wifery, who can tell?)

Do they not realize they're conforming to a stereotype that feminists have been railing against for decades? That women in general have been railing against in Western Society for centuries??

Admittedly, I just read "Pink Think" and it's got me on edge and generally freaked out about women's roles in America. I'm probably over-reacting.

Or am I?

One girl (the one "studying" art, incidentally) told me how she was going to surprise her husband for their six month anniversary: she had plans to make his favorite food and have a candle-lit dinner together. (oh how sweet. oh how cliche. i hope you have a lovely evening, i really do) That's great, really, I have nothing against that, but she just kept going on and on about it. Then she told me how she did the same thing to celebrate their two month anniversary (two months? really? since when does that count as an "anniversary"??) and went on to tell me that I should do the same thing for my husband.

Insert a blank stare here. I know you can't see it, but just do your best to imagine it.

Or...he could surprise me with a candlelight dinner. *shrug* I'm not hinting at anything, I'm just saying that's also an option. A legitimate and feasible option.Right now I'm out of the home 60 hrs/week working and going to school, and he's only out 30 hrs/week so, technically, it might make more sense if he did the surprising. Again, I'm not hinting at anything (i don't want a candle-light dinner), I'm just making a point that has probably never crossed her Utah Valley mind.

As soon as she starts up with the husband-talk the other one jumps right in and it's impossible to divert them to other topics. They keep trying to suck me into the conversation, guess they don't want me to feel left out, but their conversation has a tendency to induce heavy waves of nausea and it's better for me to sit alone in the corner and concentrate on breathing.

Would it really be that terrible to make your husband dinner to surprise him, just once?

Stop that!

Eleven Has never before Seemed Like Such a large Number

So I've got this friend, this crazy-fun friend, who is taking a roadtrip this summer.  An awesome sauce roadtrip.  She (and her sister and another friend) are going to fly to Florida and from there drive up the East coast.  Some major destinations include: Washington D.C., Boston, and New York City. She started listing off museums and libraries and galleries that they're going to visit.

Apparently they need a fourth person.

(can you feel the excitement?)

So I said to her, I said (this is what I said), "Dude, you know I'm not doing anything this summer, right?  I mean, maybe a summer job, but for now my schedule is wide open."

That launched us into a discussion about cost and what each person would need to contribute and how long this little trip is going to take. I was a little worried about the money side of it, because, as you may or may not know, I have none.  But she's willing to let me pay her back when the money comes. Which means I'll be paying her for our July trip at the end of August.  (the pell grant has no idea that they're paying for my summer roadtrip, but between you and me, that's where the money's going)  Cut, print, that's a wrap, I'm goin' to the East Coast!

Husband is a little bit jealous.  He'll be off at camp being Program Director and won't be able to even pretend to come.  He and I will go together someday.  As for me, myself, I need this trip.  I can't even remember the last time I took a trip somewhere (lies! i went to the carribean on my honeymoon six months ago) or the last time I took a roadtrip (lies and deceit! we drove to vegas for an air show last year), I've never been very far away from Utah (i lived in germany for three years!), and I've never seen the East Coast (i...no wait, that part is actually true).  See?

Totally need this trip.

I was excited for this summer before, but now I am completely psyched out of my mind.  Summer seems so far away!  Eleven long, arduous weeks left until the semester is over and then....well, and then another month and a half of nothing and THEN...New York City, here I come.

if Two was cause For Celebration...

Sweet! Three actual "followers"!  (and blog-stalker guy. i haven't forgotten you. i'm happy you're here, too)

Well thanks, Laundry, for joining my little party.  I assume you found this place through my facebook page (oh yes, I know who you are.  I read  your profile and as soon as I saw "I love all things Peter Pan" no more needed to be said ^_^).  I'm pretty thrilled you found me here.  I hope to see sporadic and entertaining comments from you!

For the longest time I never thought I'd get past 1 Follower. Ever get so excthited you listhp?  Yeah.  That'sth how I'm feeling.  

Welcome Welcome! 

*balloons and confetti*

Quick question for you, Laundry: I'm going to ask here because I keep forgetting to in person (and it seems less awkward here), what exactly are we?  Is there a name for one's husband's cousin's wife? Cousins-in-law? Are we cousins once/twice removed? 

I just shot down any anonymity  you had, sorry. Hope you weren't too attached to it. 

And thanks again for coming!! 0_^ 

(those smilies are so disturbing...I think I'm doing it wrong....)

that's Not a word According to spellcheck, But We're gonna Use it anyway

My to-do list is getting ridiculously long. Beyond ridiculous. It's ludicrous. Outrageous. Retarded. Retardedly long to-do list, that's what I have.

It's not enough to get stuff done for my classes, I've got a personal life to keep up with as well. Not to mention taxes. Ugh. I'm only missing one W2 so I guess it's not that bad. And bills! Oh my gosh, I've got bills to deal with.

That's what tomorrow's for, right?

(then again, maybe it's exactly that kind of thinking that gave me the retardedly long to-do list in the first place)

dreaded "d" Word

I'm having a moment of weakness.  I set a New Year's goal at the beginning of 2010, a single goal, to cut refined and artificial sugars from my diet.  I went on a sugar-strike.  I've done really well with it so far.  I've even lost some of the weight I gained over the holidays.

Then this morning happened.  A co-worker brought in a box of doughnuts for everyone.  My inner-debate went something like this:

"Ooh...doughnuts.  You've done so well with your sugar-strike so far, don't you deserve just one?"

"Hmmm....yeah, I do."

So I took one.  A small one.  Plus half of a bigger one.  So one and a half...but they were small so really it was just one...  Kind of.

They tasted so good.   

I left for an afternoon class thinking they'd all be gone by the time I got back.  Unfortunately for me, they're not.  They're still sitting on the counter.  I can smell them.

They smell so good.

I don't really want another one.  Except that's a lie, I totally want another one.  But I don't want to want another one.  (ooh, now we gettin' tricky)  I want to want to not want to eat sugar.  Succint, no?

I've got another hour and a half before I can leave this office.  If I eat another one before that time expires....you know what?  I'm not going to play a guilt game.  If I eat it, I eat it.  When compared to one whole month quitting sugar cold-turkey, I can forgive myself for a single day of weakness.

And if I don't eat it then I'll be spending an evening convincing my Sweet Tooth that having Pride In Myself is of greater worth than a cheap day-old doughnut.

This is the first time my sugar-strike has actually felt like a "diet."  Dang it.

\/\/0oT (i know L33T in my next life)

I just noticed that I have
 TWO Followers!!  
...and that one blog-stalker guy, so technically there are three....
 My goodness, how exciting.  

Pat on the back for me.  I never thought I'd make it this far.
Thank you. Both of you.  (and blog-stalker guy...thanks to you, too)

*Little sniffle* 

Three months Of Nothing to Plan

Husband is going to be the Program Director at a Scout Camp this summer.

I will NOT be accompanying him.

I worked at camp with him (the same camp he's in charge of now) last summer when we were engaged.  It was...well we won't go into details.  It is sufficient to say that I will not be working at camp again. Maybe ever.

So he'll be gone most of the summer.  I'll see him when he comes home Saturday afternoons, but then he'll go back up to the mountain Sunday evening.  (and that, according to the BSA, is a "weekend")
 
This is not a "woe-is-me-I-need-pity" story.  On the contrary --

I had plans of my own this summer which included finding a part time job (yay for extra money) and going to school for the summer semester.  I love school in the summer: parking is free, classes are shorter, the buildings are quiet, and financial aid is available this year.  Yay school.

I overlooked one minor detail, though: I'm a Junior now.  Only higher-division classes from here on out.  Higher-division classes are rarely, if ever, offered during the summer.

Well.

Well, crap.

So I may not be going to school this summer.  I was relaying my distress over the situation  to my mother who brought up a refreshing point: maybe it's time for me to take a break.  Maybe this summer should consist of me taking it easy: reading books, drawing pretty pictures, volunteering at the state Arts Festival, etc.

It has been a LONG time since I've taken a break....

I guess that settles it, then.  My plans for summer are now wide open. 
Can anyone reccomend a good summer job? 
Summer activities? 
You wouldn't happen to be going to any amusement parks this summer, would you? 

If you are...

Can I come?
^_^