19 January 2010

But Not the cute charlie Brown kind...

I need to not kill my co-worker. It's not his fault he's an idiot. And irritating. And an honest-to-goodness all-around blockhead.

It doesn't justify me killing him.

It doesn't even justify me being rude to him.  Rude, in this case, is congruent to being honest with him.  And I can't lie.  Really, I just can't do it; I'm lacking that particular genome.  So, if we deduce this equation to its basic variables, we are left with only one solution: Zero Conversation Possibilities Between Me and Blockhead.

I can accept this as fact.  He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to grasp the concept behind my clear-cut equation.  He just keeps talking.

Not that I'm against talking altogether, but he keeps asking personal questions about things that - frankly - I don't want him to know about me.  That makes him sound like a creeper, which he's not, he's just incredibly dense when it comes to social cues and appropriate acquaintance conversation topics.

One of my issues with this guy: he seems fascinated with the fact that I'm an artist, and he says he likes art, but he clearly knows nothing about it.  (he's in construction, so can you really blame him?)  Every time I study anything that has to do with art he's right at my shoulder asking, "Did you draw that?  Is that something you made??"  No, blockhead, that's a painting by Monet.  I'm studying it as a reference.  Now get your blockhead-self out of my bubble.

Once I had my textbook open on my desk at work. He zips over and taps a picture in my book (he touched my book! he was six inches away from my face!  does anyone else think this is odd?) and asks, "Is that something you're going to draw?"
 All I could do was stare at him in disbelief that such a level of ignorance was humanly possible.
 No, blockhead, that's a famous cathedral in Ravenna, Italy and I'm writing a paper on it.
 "Oh. Why?"
 Are you serious??  Do they not study history in construction?? Well maybe they don't, but I have news for you, everyone else in this university has to study SOME aspect of History. Literature, Philosophy, Science, Health...they all have to study History in their respective spheres.  And, guess what? that includes Art.    

Here's my favorite:
"Hey, if you ever bring your drawings to the office, would you show them to me?"
OhmygoshNO.  Of all the people in the world that I would show my work to, blockhead, you are not one of them.  For starters, the idea of me showing my work off in the office seems bizarre and uncomfortable.  Secondly, it would mean that blockhead would look at them and probably compliment them, which is a thought so repulsive that I cannot suppress a shudder.  In fact, if I found out I had drawn something that he thought was "good" I would promptly burn it.

I go home at night and try to convince myself that he's not that bad, he has a family and he's got friends who (probably) think he's a swell guy, I just have to dig deeper to find that.  But when I'm around him it feels like the skin on my arms and scalp has been peeled back so that all my nerves are exposed, leaving me raw and irritable as he continues to talk.  My muscles tighten and my jaw clenches as I cave to the acute pressure from the rest of the office (all listening in on this exchange, by the way) to be civil to blockhead and endure his inane questions by avoiding eye contact and responding in simple one-word answers.

This will probably not be the last time you hear me complaining about this particular co-worker.  To keep things simple, his codename will be "blockhead" from here on out.  Not that he really needs a codename...anyone who knows him can read this and guess who "blockhead" is.  Anyone who doesn't know him can read this and not care what his real name is, if it were menitoned.  No, dear reader, sorry to say the codename has nothing to do with you or any obligation I may feel to keep his identity protected.  It's about me.  More specifically, it's about the fantastic satisfaction I get from calling him "blockhead" over and over in my mind while I complain about him on the interweb.  Cheers!

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