22 November 2011

this Is high-Quality entertainment In the World Of Customer service

I have this co-worker. She is hilarious. Witty, poignant and original. I love it. Talking with her makes the days tolerable, if not enjoyable.

She thinks I'm just bored. She doesn't think she's at all very clever or funny; that I only laugh because I'm desperately bored.

She may have a point...for eight hours a day, five days a week, I am engulfed in fluorescent lighting, gray cubicle walls, and unbearably uncomfortable customer phone calls. I can no longer judge "humor" objectively.

So I will let you be the judge. Here is an email she wrote to me one Friday afternoon when I was out of town, to warn me that she would not be there to assist me on Monday (she's still technically training me in the Scheduling Department). I've changed some names and numbers (fun fact: the phone number given as hers has been changed, at her request, to "the number for the effing public library [in Topeka, Kansas] that keeps calling me asking, 'Where is the The Green Sheep?'"). I assume this means you're free to give them a call and harass them, if you feel so inclined.

I'll refer to her as (ah jeez...quick, think of a name that's not hers...think think think...why is it so hard to pick a random name??) Kate. This email, by the way, made me laugh, and in fact was responsible for random bursts of giggling throughout that day. Certain lines still make me chuckle. Tell me what you think. And be honest. I can take it.

So, if you’re reading this and I’m not literally standing over your shoulder, it’s because I’m not here. If I know you at all, there’s a slight possibility that you even thought “Whoa, I beat Kate here today!” and you did. I’m babysitting, so you must face Monday alone. I wanted to let you know some things (obvious things of course, but emails like this make me feel important) that may or may not help you a bit today. Also, please know going in, I’m not mocking you with this email, I really am trying to help. Anyway…
  1. Technician One is going to Iowa for us on Friday. On the off chance something in Iowa comes up, try try try to get it that day, but not before 11 am. He’ll get cranky, I promise he will and it isn’t a fun experience.
  2. If you need to call or text me, I’ll try to answer/reply as quick as I can. My number is 785-364-3532 and I’m not giving it to you out of pity, the only reason I’m not here is because babies in the workplace are generally frowned upon by the administration. (Just like blankies in high school being frowned upon by the administration. Devastating.)
  3. We still don’t have a tech for the following states in which we happen to do business (in chronological order of admission to the Union): South Carolina, Virginia, North Carolina, Texas and of course Minnesota.
  4. My top desk drawer smells like Play-Doh and my granola has 10% of one’s DRV of copper. Neither of those things are important, nor is the fact that SC is like, 33 days older than VA. Just some trivia to break it up.

This entire email is composed assuming the fact that you will in fact be here Monday. I hope that you will in fact be here and that this email isn’t a waste of time and totally silly. That’s a fact.

Kate :-)
If you tell me that this is the most boring list of items you've ever read, I will concede that part of my sanity has been lost to my vicious 9-5 corporate job, as well as my fundamental ability to recognize humor.
But let's be honest with each other - item 3 didn't strike you as being a little bit original? And item 4? How can you look me in the eye and tell me that didn't make you chuckle? Or guffaw? Or at the very least, smirk?

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