My Rant on Camping - For Lovers of Civilization (and avid campers who care to try to convert me)

My husband loves camping. He's really into outdoor survival and Scouting and Backpacker Magazine and 72 Hour Kits and all that stuff.

I don't get it.

But I keep trying! Let the record show that I am trying. I agreed to go on the last family camping trip, to give it a chance, to figure out what I was missing, and generally have a good time. It was car camping, just a quick over-night deal, not (what my husband calls) "real camping." We went with his family (interesting that they're "his family" and not "my in-laws"...is this something that changes with time and increased familiarity? Or is it a deeper reflection of my own struggling inter-personal relationships revealing the darker side of my psyche? *shrug* Prolly the first one...) So we're in the mountains and it's cold, wet, and altogether rather dull. We played some card games (Rummy woot) while the men-folk made dinner in their manly dutch ovens roasting in their manly man-made fire. We ate some rubbery chicken and undercooked brownies, I took a quick visit to the smelly little-girl's outhouse, brushed my teeth without a sink (don't be fooled, not as easy as it sounds) and went to bed in a freezing and uncomfortable tent.

Are you still following me? Am I still the only one who doesn't see what was "fun" about this trip? Oh wait, there's more...

We left pretty early in the morning so I could make it to a Saturday class. I woke up stiff and cold and groggy. But I was still determined to give this camping thing a chance. I thought, 'It's just because I'm not used to it. Sleeping outdoors is probably very refreshing if you're accustomed to it - I'm sure everyone else slept great.'

NOPE.

Everyone complained of stiff joints or sore backs or having been "half-awake" the entire night. Except my father-in-law and my husband. Seven people present and only two actually slept. I took out my mental list of "Possible Reasons that People could Like Camping" and silently crossed off "Good solid sleep and waking up refreshed."

And while I had my list out, I decided to review some other items. "The beautiful scenery." Admittedly it was lovely out there...but honestly? You've never seen aspen and pine on the side of a mountain?? It's Utah!! Just look around you, man, they're everywhere!! Not that impressive. Cross that off the list.

Or how about this one: "The dutch-oven cooking." I tried not to laugh out loud as I crossed that one off.
Don't get me wrong, dutch oven cooking can be really tasty. But it's cooking by people who are deliberately limiting their resources and food options (what can we "pack-in and pack-out"?, what will cook quickly and properly in a giant cast iron bowl sitting in a giant fire?, what will not kill us if perchance something goes wrong in the giant cast iron bowl sitting in a giant fire?, etc.) Admittedly, cooking in a dutch oven is not as satisfying when done at home, but we eat better when food is cooked in an actual kitchen anyway.

Speaking of home: the food's better, we could have played cards on a table that wasn't wet, in a room that wasn't cold without wearing three layers of clothing to be comfortable, (in fact, we could have been in our comfy pajamas) and the men still could have cooked a manly meal on the manly grill outside (the manly outside). Why didn't we just stay home??

(I know you can't really sense it from where you're sitting in front of your computer screen, but that last question is charged with frustrated aggravation. You've got it, that's better.)

"...almost the entire drive of human history has been an attempt to get as far away from Nature as possible."
~ "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

Best quote in the whole book.
If you disagree with me, let me know this story from your point of view. I'll keep an open mind, I truly do want to understand this weird drive that forces you people into the outdoors with nothing but a tent and a backpack. After all, I'm married to one of you now.
If you agree with me, let me know; it's lonely being an anti-camper in a world of gung-ho hikers/backpackers/National Parks enthusiasts.